Persistence

I had to write a three page paper today that I have put off til last minute (like always). I kind enjoyed it though, wished I had started sooner so that I could have put more into it than I did because it was an interesting topic. It was a paper where we had to describe the seven deadly sins of memory.  Its a book that describes seven different ways that our memory can fail us, do to events that have taken place, the environment, emotional stress, etc.. and these seven ways are put into two different groups. Its extremely interesting. However there was one sin that I feel I can completely understand and connect with.
Persistence.
Its when you have this memory that you don't want to remember you no matter what you cannot forget. I know it so well, its almost creepy.  When me and Patrick started going through all our "crap", I was haunted by the memory of the other woman's phone number. Seriously. No matter how hard I tried or how busy I tried to keep myself, it stuck to me. I would write it on papers without even paying attention or type it in my cell when I was trying to call someone. It has stuck with me for months and months and months. It brought along memories with it to, a way to haunt me further.  I can remember the pain and the hurt and the anger that I would feel all day just because of this one stinking number that I have only seen twice in my life but was tattooed into my brain.
Its a horrible thing to go through and I prayed everyday for the Lord to just take it away so I could move on.  I believe that it took acceptance of what happened to finally forget it.  I think that after I finally accepted what my husband did, I found a bit of closure and was able to move on to the next step of forgiveness. You could not imagine the amount of peace that I feel knowing I cant remember one cell phone number. :))

I dont understand?!

I am tired. I am so tired of defending my marriage to all my friends. I am tired of having to listen to them repeat over and over all the negative things instead of focusing on the postive, mature part of our marriage. I don't understand how the fact that I have two children in the mix of all this does not make a bit of difference to them. Yes, he has done a lot of things in the past and Yes I do not fully have complete trust in him anymore ((though it will be built back over time)).  Why can my friends not support my decision to stay and try to make my marriage work. I love him, no matter what, does that not count.  I did not marry him just because I thought that he looked good, I married him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and only him. I have just found out tonight that a friend of mine (( a friend that I have been friends with all my life)) does not want to be friends with me anymore just because I decided to stay with him. Does no one believe in forgiveness. I understand that they might care about me and want me to have only good things. I understand that he has done things that unforgiveable but I can not just throw my marriage away because of all these small things, I have to make this work.  I feel so completely lost at the moment of what to really think about everything. And the fact that they just want me to completely forgive the one friend that I trusted with everything and then turned around and tried to ruin my marriage and get my husband to move in with her, really confuses me the most, like I am not completely getting the whole story about everything that went on.  I am at the point I just want to stay with just my family and forget having friends at all.  I can not keep putting myself in a circle of friends that either hurt me or dont really support me. I need to stick with the postive things in life, like my two wonderful children that will always be there for me.

My first award!

Thank you so much Mom Wife Sara for giving me this award. It means alot to me. I'll do my best to fin more people to pass it on to! :))

Now for the rules for winning this award

• Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
• Share 7 things about yourself.
• Pass the award along to 15 other bloggers who you recently discovered and think are fabulous.
• Contact the bloggers you chose and let them know about the award.

Seven things about ME!
1. I am a Sahm with two beautiful babies that mean the world to me!
2. I am married to my high school sweet heart going on 4 years now and even after everything that we have been through, I feel like I love him more and more with each passing day.
3. I am currently working on getting my BA in Psychology with a minor in child development, though I feel like I might not be able to actually do anything with my degree once I am finished. I am still currently trying to figure out what I am going to do once I graduate.
4. I don't really have any friends, I have a few but most I have cut out of my life due to the fact that they like to start up to much drama than I am willing to allow in my life anymore.  I miss them very much but I feel I have made the best adult decision I could make.
5. I have two brothers, one younger and one older, that both died at birth and though I have never really actually met them i miss them every day.
6. I feel at times that I am the shortest person in the world. :))
7. I have no confidence in myself at all. Never had, probably never will. But willing to try to work on it, to better myself in the future.

Dear God, Thank you.

Dear God,
I just wanted to take some time away from my busy life to say just a couple of things to you because we haven't really had much time to talk here recently and I feel I should at least tell you "thank you".
I love my family with every thing I have. I couldn't ask for anything better than my two beautiful children and my wonderful husband.  I've had my doubts about this marriage but after the past couple days, I feel like I have made the right choice in staying with him. I think this is where you want me and you have put me through these trails, I think, in a way to make me more appreciate of the small things I have.  I have a wonderful husband, though he has made some mistakes, loves his children more than anything in this world.  He would go as far as possible to make sure they were well taken care of and happy. I have a beautiful daughter who is the smartest three year old I know! She is a bit mischievous at times but has the sweetest moments. I have a handsome 1 year old boy, who is the sweetest most loving child.  I love how much he is attached to me and how at times if I am talking to another child or holding my friends, he gets jealous. I know your not suppose to let them, teach them to not be attached but I can't help myself, it makes my day to know my son is a mamma's boy. I'm even thankful for our hamster, baby.  How many pets do you actually not have to clean up after everyday? Baby makes my life a little bit easier. I'm thankful for the things that I have and I accept the trails that I must go through in life to learn from.  Thank you God, for everything you have given me and everything you choose not to give me, I am ever so grateful to have a Lord that loves me and my family has much as you do.

I love you,

Jenn Martin

Today..

So, me and the husband have been talking and looking into marriage counseling. I'm hoping that this will help me to move on and accept what happened in the past and be able to work towards forgiving him. Right now I feel like this is an impossible task, mostly because I just don't wanna be that fool again. But if it works I will be ever so grateful. I want him to see what he did wrong and to be able to decide if he is really here for the right reasons or if he is here because he feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt me and the kids again. Then again, I'm not entirely sure that I am here for the right reasons. So hopefully the marriage counseling will work. I hope and I pray! Though at times like today, I just want to murder him!! I made the first step by looking up counselors and looking into cost and insurance and even sending an email to one to see if we could get accepted and all my husband was suppose to do was to call and make an appointment ((to show to me that he really wanted this and that I wasn't forcing him into it)) and what does he do today. Plays computer games on facebook and chats with his lazy good for nothing friend all day until he had to leave for work and THEN then he remembers what he was going to do and that I actually do exist?! I have spent all day playing and cleaning and cooking for our kids and he spends all day on a game and a chat!? Seriously?! I can not believe him. This is exactly why I never want my kids to play games.. there is a whole world out there and so much to do with your life, so many real people to talk to face to face and interact with. . . why in the world would I want my kids becoming so obsessed with a video game to the point they hardly step out our front door. It causes problems and that's all it does. We have a Wii but only use it for netflixs, that's it.. maybe once in like three or four months we actually play the one game we have but that's it.  I am so beyond mad today. I spend everyday by myself with the kids .. EVERYDAY.. no one but a three year old and a twenty month old to talk to.. all I ask is for him to notice me.. is that too much?! I would not be as bitchy if I had a bit more attention. 

this is where I am..

I've decided to start this blog as a way to reach out to others and maybe learn a little something about myself.  Its not like I actually get out of my house much anymore and get to talk to other *adults. I'm usually stuck in my house 24/7 taking care of my two children (who by the way are 3 and 20months) and doing classes online to finish my degree (that will probably take me 2 to 3 more years to finish).  I don't really hang out with any of my friends anymore (the only one that I do, I hardly see at all). I've been through alot in the past three years. It feels almost like my whole life has been a lie. I know there are far more people that have gone through worst in their lives and come out stronger so i try not to let it get to me but sittin in the house all the time, with nothing more to distract me seems to be driving me to the brink of insanity.  I could go on and on about everything that has happened in the past with just my family but I'd rather not, right now.  Me and My husband have a very rocky relationship. Its been tough to deal with and I'm still not sure that staying with him really was the best decision. I love him more than anything in the world and I can not see myself with another man, ever. I don't want anyone but him and its always been like that. Its almost like what has happened in the past two years isn't even real, like it was a nightmare I cant seem to forget. I found out three months after having my son that he was texting and sending pictures and videos to other women and then after confronting him with that, I found out there was more than just that. I thought that everything was over with but then I come to find out a couple days after my birthday (this year) that he had gotten worse. He left for three hours to met up with another woman!! How am I to believe that he was gone for three hours and didnt do anything at all?!(did I mention that she was pregnant by another man as well?!) Then I have to find out that my best friend at the time was telling him to leave me, that I was too fat, that I wasn't worth it, that I was lazy, etc etc etc... I could go on forever what she was doing behind my back. They were going to get an apartment together (tho he swears he was just talking about it, if I had left when I found out about the other woman) and when he didnt move in with her she got all mad and decided she wanted to make our lives hell. It's like every time that he does something like this I am the one that pays. I didnt do anything wrong!! Besides love him and be faithfull. I didn't even know anything was wrong with our marriage because he wasn't talking to me, he was talking to my (ex) best friend! I really dont even feel like I have gotten the whole truth out. It feels like too much to handle but I want to make this work. My only friend that I have keeps asking me when will it be enough, when will I say enough is enough. I'll say it now, if it happens again I'm out but I'm just not ready to call it quits. I love him, I love my children and I'm willing to work on this and work on forgiving him if he is willing to do the same. I have no clue where to go from here, I have no clue how to trust him, to feel like I've gotten the whole truth about EVERYTHING from him. I find it hard most of the time to just give him a kiss or let him hold me but then I find myself begging for his attention at the same time I'm pushing him away. I dont know where to go from here?! I'm at a complete loss.