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Monday, September 13, 2010

this is where I am..

I've decided to start this blog as a way to reach out to others and maybe learn a little something about myself.  Its not like I actually get out of my house much anymore and get to talk to other *adults. I'm usually stuck in my house 24/7 taking care of my two children (who by the way are 3 and 20months) and doing classes online to finish my degree (that will probably take me 2 to 3 more years to finish).  I don't really hang out with any of my friends anymore (the only one that I do, I hardly see at all). I've been through alot in the past three years. It feels almost like my whole life has been a lie. I know there are far more people that have gone through worst in their lives and come out stronger so i try not to let it get to me but sittin in the house all the time, with nothing more to distract me seems to be driving me to the brink of insanity.  I could go on and on about everything that has happened in the past with just my family but I'd rather not, right now.  Me and My husband have a very rocky relationship. Its been tough to deal with and I'm still not sure that staying with him really was the best decision. I love him more than anything in the world and I can not see myself with another man, ever. I don't want anyone but him and its always been like that. Its almost like what has happened in the past two years isn't even real, like it was a nightmare I cant seem to forget. I found out three months after having my son that he was texting and sending pictures and videos to other women and then after confronting him with that, I found out there was more than just that. I thought that everything was over with but then I come to find out a couple days after my birthday (this year) that he had gotten worse. He left for three hours to met up with another woman!! How am I to believe that he was gone for three hours and didnt do anything at all?!(did I mention that she was pregnant by another man as well?!) Then I have to find out that my best friend at the time was telling him to leave me, that I was too fat, that I wasn't worth it, that I was lazy, etc etc etc... I could go on forever what she was doing behind my back. They were going to get an apartment together (tho he swears he was just talking about it, if I had left when I found out about the other woman) and when he didnt move in with her she got all mad and decided she wanted to make our lives hell. It's like every time that he does something like this I am the one that pays. I didnt do anything wrong!! Besides love him and be faithfull. I didn't even know anything was wrong with our marriage because he wasn't talking to me, he was talking to my (ex) best friend! I really dont even feel like I have gotten the whole truth out. It feels like too much to handle but I want to make this work. My only friend that I have keeps asking me when will it be enough, when will I say enough is enough. I'll say it now, if it happens again I'm out but I'm just not ready to call it quits. I love him, I love my children and I'm willing to work on this and work on forgiving him if he is willing to do the same. I have no clue where to go from here, I have no clue how to trust him, to feel like I've gotten the whole truth about EVERYTHING from him. I find it hard most of the time to just give him a kiss or let him hold me but then I find myself begging for his attention at the same time I'm pushing him away. I dont know where to go from here?! I'm at a complete loss.

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